Facebook followers were recently invited to send questions to Rachael Taylor, Lead White Ribbon Champion, as part of White Ribbon Australia's 'Uncover Secrets' campaign.
Rachael has personally responded to six questions. Please see these questions and answers below.
Hi Chana!
I think that
the single most empowering thing a woman who is the victim of domestic violence
does is go through a certain reckoning with themselves, an internal acknowledgement
that the acts of violence or abuse committed against themselves are happening
and real and that they are wrong.
Looking back there is a real shift that I can
identify, a certain internal shift that resulted in a pledge of allegiance to
myself. I know this sounds very arcane, very mysterious, but I can absolutely
attest to a moment of personal change and honesty with myself from which great
external change grew.
Denial and shame can
be a very potent adversary for a woman who is trying to reconcile the fact that
she is victim of abuse. It can take a series of realisations to combat these
feelings but ultimately this personal ‘ratification’ of sorts is an incredibly empowering
act. It is the first step of honesty with oneself that can allow broader honesty
with people around us, speaking out, asking for help etc.
As bystanders to violence
or simply as people who wish to see the ends of men’s violence against women in
Australia in our lifetime, it is important to understand how difficult it is
for a women who is the victim of violence to proclaim that she is a victim. If
we understand the complexities that victims face, we can better understand what
we can do to help them and engage in a more comprehensive and honest dialogue
with them.
Check out www.whiteribbon.org.whatmencando
for more.
Hi Paula
I think you are
already contributing to changing the way women in violent relationships are
viewed by others!
In engaging in this dialogue and helping to debunk some of
the assumptions that the wider community has about women in violent
relationships you are widening the space for further conversation.
Conversation
is very powerful! Through conversation we can shift public perceptions to a broader
understanding of the intricacies of spousal abuse. That includes conversation
about the psychological aspects of violence, be it manipulations, bullying, financial
abuse, threats, insults, entrapment and the like (psychological abuse can take
on a shockingly vast array of forms).
Profound social change
does take time. I think we should aim to keep a dialogue that is open, public,
patient and true. You are contributing already.
Helen, thank you for this. I
understand how tricky this must be for you.
Threats of self harm? That is
psychological abuse, and it too is an act of violence. My feeling is that our view
of violence is often far too narrow, that we often expect to see a certain cliché
version of domestic violence and we are not really sure how to feel or what to
do when abuse and violence appears in a more surprising or obscure way.
I'm not
precisely sure why we make certain assumptions about what violence is or is
not, though my instinct tells me that the real issue here is that we do not
want to talk about domestic violence and confront the appalling prolificness of
it in our communities. So we generalise, we stereotype, we ignore, we choose to
erect a certain paradigm, a certain preconceived notion in our minds about
domestic violence, to protect us from acknowledging the hard fact, which is
that violence against women is VERY common.
And yes, you are very right to
proclaim how difficult it is to walk away from an abusive relationship. It is
NOT easy, it is very hard to do! I think you are very courageous. Looking
forwards, I would like to see a greater sense of conversation between women
about the many forms that abuse and violence can take, both physical, psychological,
sexual, financial, destruction of property etc. Thank you for contributing.
Hi Tessa!
Thank you so much! It
is very inspiring for me to read about other women such as yourself who are proud
of themselves for leaving and who can now declare that they know it wasn't their ‘fault’.
I think this feeling of responsibility is a very potent one for
women who are victims of domestic violence, and it took me a long time to understand
that I was not responsible for the acts of violence committed against me. I talk a little
bit more about this topic in a video I made at www.uncoversecrets.com.au.
Shame is a
particularly insidious emotion and I think it often prevents us from engaging
in a richer discussion about men’s violence against women in our communities. The Uncover Secrets
project is one of the things we are trying to do to combat the stigmas that
people have about men’s violence against women.
Spread the word for us, we are
gathering video submissions from the community at large to eventually build a kind
of online library of diverse thoughts and opinions about men’s violence against
women.
Hi Natasha
This question provoked
a lot of thoughts for me, it is a very interesting one! I’m not totally sure
how to answer it?!
Listen, I don’t think there is any prescribed feeling a
woman who is the victim of domestic violence should or should not have. I think
an entire range of feelings can be expected. Personally speaking, I think the
rule with feelings of hatred and anger is that they are fine to have, so long
as they don’t hurt you or anybody else. If those feelings are not present, that’s
fine too, so long as a woman is not identifying with her aggressor in a way
that prevents her from understanding the gravity of the acts of violence
committed against her.
There are some
emotional responses that I think are important to cultivate though. Your feelings
about the perpetrator are not the ones that really count, it is the feelings
that you have about yourself that matter.
Accepting and knowing that all
wrongdoing was not something you were deserving of, that you have self-value
separate to anything or anyone around you and that ultimately you are only
responsible to yourself. These are important things to think about as you move
forwards.
Hi Amy
What an astute
observation. Yep, across the board we label and stereotype domestic violence,
both the victims of it and the perpetrators of it. Men’s violence against women
occurs prolifically across a great mass of cultures, locations and
socio-economic spheres.
I have read so many stories about ‘well to do’ middle
aged, middle class, professional women with “respectable” husbands who suffer
years of terrible abuse (which is not to say that a woman of this “type” is
more or less important than anyone else, but she is a surprising and important
addition to the conversation).
One of the difficulties we face when we talk
about domestic violence is that it very often occurs behind closed doors -
women sometimes feel responsible to hide their abuse, they feel ashamed of it,
they look to avoid the societal stigma of domestic violence and so they suffer
behind closed doors.
Debunking stereotypes is one of the things myself and White
Ribbon Australia are very committed to. If enough people engage in the violence
against women conversation, share their secrets, opinions, stories or
statements about domestic violence I feel like we could, over time, make some
very solid traction in collapsing these stereotypes.
This sort of, disassembly
of assumptions of violence against women in a broader cultural context is a
long term aim of mine. White Ribbon and I have set up a micro website www.uncoversecrets.com.au to try and uncover secrets and hopefully combat the harmful
mythology that exists around violence against women.
I say it is harmful
because my feeling is that anything that is untrue, only partially true, or an
assumption that prevents us all from understanding the real extent of violence
against women and all of its complexities hinders our prevention of it. Thank you! Please keep sharing your thoughts
with us. It really helps!
